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Fighting Fairly: Rules for Healthy Arguing

It is not realistic to expect a relationship to be free of stress-inducing conflict. Fighting (arguing) is not good or bad, but the way couples fight can have positive or negative results.

When alcohol and/or drugs are being abused and couples are arguing, bad habits can be learned. During the last fight you can remember, were you observing these ground rules?

Arguing Recommendations

1. No physical violence allowed! This rule cannot be repeated too often. While conflicts can often help you strengthen your relationship, abuse always destroys relationships.
   
   
2. Try to keep your voice down. If you start to yell, your partner will probably react to your loudness instead of responding to your words. What you are saying gets lost in how you are saying it.
   
   
3. Say what you feel when you feel it. Make a commitment to share your emotions honestly, even when they are at their most intense level. Do not forget to share the good feelings too, not just the bad.
   
   
4. Don't say it if you don't mean it. Choose your words as carefully as you can in the heat of the moment. Although you can apologize later or say you didn't mean it, you can never truly take them back once they've slipped out of your mouth.
   
   
5. Don't hit below the belt. The better you know someone the better you know his or her most vulnerable spots. Avoid the temptation to aim for those vulnerable spots during a fight.
   
   
6. Do not blame, condemn, attack, or criticize your partner. Concentrate on communicating how you feel.
   
   
7. Stick to the here and now. Don't bring up old issues, third parties who aren't really involved, or any other extraneous material.
   
   
8. Be specific. Don't generalize or use expressions like "You never…" or You always…"
   
   
9. Give each other equal time. Listen. Don't interrupt when your partner is speaking. Give the other person a fair chance to express their feelings and options.
   
   
10. Make a commitment to end fights peacefully. Do not allow a fight to become open ended or ongoing.

Recommended Reading

Reclaim Your Family From Addiction
How Couples and Families Recover Love and Meaning
by Craig Nakken

The perfect starting point in the healing process. With histories, personal stories, and the latest research, this book reminds us that recovery is possible--for individuals, couples, and whole families--if only we know what to do.